What is the reason behind our need to have relationships, not friendships but relationships, what values do they provide?
In some lights, I see them as a way to always disappoint. Someone always loses, well sometimes I believe that. Is that the same for true love- destiny? What chance in you life do you have of meeting that person, not necessary to say you won't find compatible partners, but the one... the one that changes it all. How do you know they will come, let alone exist. And if they do happen to come into your life, how do you know its them?
Is it better to keep guarded and wait for that one that will make you want to risk it all, or to have love and lost over and over again until finally the right one comes.. or not?
Is it worth it? When the possibility of going through life alone is well.. possible.
One of my family members comes to mind for me when discussing this. currently on her third marriage. A woman who falls hard fast, whose heart is open wide and just wants someone to love. A early marriage that ended soon, which sadly in these times seems almost normal, especially when marrying young. A second marriage that lasted up to 20 years, ending in turmoil, deceit, loneliness and ruined my views on true love. Now on her third marriage, again looking happy as ever.
This story has a bigger connection to me, as the man in her second marriage was a huge male figure in my life. Someone I always looked up to, trusted and so when he left, he didn't just leave her, he left all of us. I often wonder if I saw him on the street someday, what would I say to him? Would I run and hide in the other direction hoping he hadn't seen me, or would I stand in front of him and tell him.. well that I miss him, that I wish things hadn't ended as they did and goodbye.
I can't help but think is something lost when you commit to that and lose it, do you lose something, change. Is the person you were at the beginning of this process the person at the end?
How many times can you fall in love?
Do we all have a quota we are about to fill?
When do you know?
* I started this post late last night and decided to sleep on what I wrote.... driving into work today, I continued to think about the thoughts whirling in my head and one moment in history came through.
My first heart break.
I was in grade 4 or 5, and really liked this boy. It wasn't my first crush, or the first boy I kissed, but I think it was the first time I dreamed that we would date. Of course, this was a very tame courting, talking at recess and such and grade 5 flirting, which really now seems like nothing. Then the moment came that changed it all, I had invited him over for dinner and could not have been more excited, I remember sitting on my neighbor's porch reading Archie comics, waiting for him to bike up the street. I must have waited for a hour, but he never showed up. I was heartbroken- I couldn't understand why he wouldn't have come after saying yes. Attempting to hold back the tears, I called his house the next day, he claimed his best friend had come over and he couldn't say he was having dinner at my house- so he just didn't. I remember feeling so betrayed and upset.
Now I know that this was years and years ago... but somehow when thinking back to it, I wonder if it has a bigger effect of my life and how I look at relationships than I thought.
Could such a small moment ruin it all?
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